MORE SILLY HEADLINES.
By TOM WILSON.
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Believe it or not, professionals wrote the following….
“Irish Pair Fight for British Vest.”
“Priests, Nuns in Nigeria Safe to Date.”
“The man who got Belfast’s motorway off the ground.”
“Fox says no to local authority dog wardens”
“Sligo mayor drawn from a hat.”
“He married Kerryn Quinn in February and took a belated honeymoon
with their daughter Rylee, six.”
“A dance will be held by the defective branch of the police force.”
This was later corrected to:
“A dance will be held by the detective branch of the police farce.”
“FOR SALE, Parachute; used once. Never opened. Small stain.”
“Bus on fire Passengers alight.”
“Dairy to close. Mothers will miss their doorstep deliveries, says midwife.”
“Panda mating fails Vet takes over.”
“Enraged cow injures farmer with axe.”
“Stolen painting found by tree.”
“Obesity study looks for larger group.”
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AND NOW FOR SOME NEWSPAPER SNIPPETS:
A woman in Cardiff divorced her husband on the grounds that he never went anywhere with her. He was not present at the hearing.
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A newsreader on a television station in Indiana who proposed to his girlfriend during a news bulletin received fifty-four acceptances.
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A man in Cirencester, accused of disorderly behaviour after drinking two bottles of whisky, asked for another case to be taken into consideration.
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A man in New York has proposed to his psychotherapist. He reckons that marriage would be cheaper than paying her by the hour.
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A matchmaker in New York gave up the business after one of his clients ran off with his wife.
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A local authority initiative to cut down gossip in a Gloucestershire village failed because everybody knew about it three weeks before it was launched.
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In the recent by-election for Bristol-West the candidate for MORE-SEX-FOR-ALL Party lost his deposit.
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An eighteen-year-old girl in Macedonia has been granted a divorce from her ninety-seven-year-old husband on the grounds of his unreasonable sexual demands.
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A man in Powys (Wales) who thought he had been conducting a secret affair for twelve years was disappointed to find that his local nickname was ‘Jones The Adulterer.’
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A Salt Lake City Mormon with nine wives married one more so that he could get a discount on air travel.
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A Bengali woman accused of marketing a fraudulent love potion was acquitted by the judge who subsequently married her.
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A new society for teenagers has been founded in Ohio. It is called The Affirmative Response Group, and its slogan is, ‘Say No To Everything.’
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In a Galashiels hospital a notice in one of the male wards reads, ‘Afternoon Visiting – Wives Only – One per Patient.’
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A member of the Australian Parliament exposed by a tabloid newspaper for maintaining seven mistresses has been appointed Minister For Employment.
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One member of a French swimming team was too embarrassed to turn up for a competition because he had been experimenting the night before with Viagra.
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An advertisement in a South African newspaper: FOR SALE. Second-hand hearse. Fifteen thousand miles on the clock and a carefully maintained body.
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Inscription on the tombstone of a stepmother:
‘She was our new mother and our father’s loving wife – though sadly she found happiness in the last three years of her life.’
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A potholer has been rescued after eight days in a cave. He said he survived on a diet of pot noodles.
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A Gosport man who crawled home after a heavy session at the local pub only realised the following morning that he’d left his wheelchair there.
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A Gateshead woman who was having difficulty selling her house offered ‘A Night of Love’ as an inducement to intending purchasers. The house is still on the market.
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After an open-air production of a Shakespeare play was rained-off at the interval, a party of schoolchildren went home thinking that ‘Romeo and Juliet’ had a happy ending.
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A Manchester-based Travel Company is advertising September discounts on their Greek Villa holidays as, ‘complete with swimming pool and car thrown in.’
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SCHADENREUDE by Tom Wilson, 2007.
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I want to laugh at something absurd
When public men make promises I’ve often heard.
When crass Pomposity tumbles off his stool
I can’t help but smile at the luckless fool.
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I shout with mirth every time Groucho Marx
Teases Margaret Dumont with his saucy remarks.
Sometimes I laugh with tears in my eyes
When A sudden gremlin springs a surprise.
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I chuckle at baby animals rolling about in the sun
Learning to chase while life’s just begun
And dolphins that seem so gentle and wise
And comical birds such as penguins or magpies.
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Masters of comedy juggle with words;
Their double meanings are two-edged swords.
Some say that to laugh only men are able;
Personally, I think that’s another fable.
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Most of us are amused
At someone else’s downfall;
Doesn’t that make
Mocking bullies of us all?
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